Wow, No Thank You

Eating habits need to be judged — it’s a fact of life. Like the fact that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

I need to power down and charge up. Being a person is exhausting.

I’ve always felt like royalty who refuses to acknowledge their kingdom.

Late night snacks are my love language.

I thought ‘diaper cake’ was a slang term for something gross, like ‘butt cake’.

No one should ever expect me to remember directions. Or names. Or anything, really.

I will die someday without ever knowing how to use an eyelash curler.

I could be a ghostwriter for the autobiography of any random woman I see slightly struggling.

Every shower is a judgment of every body part I have.

Life is a series of small humiliations.

My whole life is just trying to figure out how much sleep I can get away with.

Every time someone is kind to me for no reason, it shakes me to my core.

There are people out there who just know how to fold fitted sheets. Those people are aliens.